I sit here in my room
typing on my unexpected-new-roommate's computer
wondering why it is that my head is aching so persistently
and feeling like a failure
because I've been sent home from work two days in a row
and I haven't protested.

I don't know how to fix this ache in my head
or this loneliness in my summer
for some reason, I feel like I can't reach out for it,
but like I need someone to come alongside me
and be there to tell me that I am not alone
that they won't let me be alone
because they love me-
not family, not N., but someone who is outside my usual immediate sphere-
a friend who is just a friend.
who has no other motive or reason than that they care for me.

H. just messaged me.
could she be the friend who is throwing me the life-preserver today?
I hope so...

i need rest.
not sleep- rest.
and a good solid dose of joy.

I realized yesterday and today just how much I miss my family.
And that they actually do love me like they say they do.
And that I love them more than I thought.

I think this is the first of many steps toward a better relationship with them.


And that God is answering my prayers.