tangled up in billowing waves

I feel like everything in my life is overwhelming right now. My mind feels heavy with it all. I feel completely overcome by all of this, but I know that there are a ton of wonderful things going on in my life! I know that! I can look at my life and list off so many things that are such blessings, but even those things feel like they're too much to handle.

I can't see the next inch of road, much less the next three feet. I know exactly what's around the bend, but I feel like I'm stumbling along in the dark and can't even find the bend. I don't know where to turn. I feel like I'm hanging so much on tomorrow's appointment with Jeff.

I don't even know him! I've heard good things about him, but I've only seen him once. It was a few weeks ago. He came in the door in front of where I was sitting in Carter Lobby- it was probably about 3 minutes until 8- I was waiting for 8 o'clock so that I could go to the records office and add a class. I was kind of enjoying watching people walk in, but feeling a little like I was there before I should be- like I was intruding on their pre-workday solitude. he waslked in and said hello to someone. They replied with "Hello, Jeff." I had heard that Jeff was tall, but I didn't know what he looked like or anything, but this man was tall and he was headed up the North Stairwell towards the Priesthill center. So I knew it had to be him.

I'm afraid of tomorrow. I'm afraid of what he'll tell me. I'm afraid of what I'll tell him.

I'm intimidated.

I feel like I'm being held under water. The feeling in my head is like it is being deprived of that which it needs to live and function. Just like it did when my brother used to hold my head under water a little too long in Mee-Maw's pool when we were younger. I think that might be why I'm uncomfortable around water. Or perhaps why I feel like I'm drowning when I feel inadequate or scared.

When you are under water too long, survival instinct kicks in and you start to kick your legs and flail your arms so that you can push up to the surface and allow the air to rush back into your lungs. My survival instinct seems to be tired and depressed. It isn't kicking in. I feel like I'm kicking (but oddly, not like I'm flailing my arms) but the surface just won't come.

I just got a mental image of myself drowning- in the ocean- and the fish were all looking around at me as if to say "What the hell are you doing here?" That's what being in school right now feels like.

I keep being really cynical. I can't tell if it's because of this summer or if it's just because I'm so sad. Cynicism has become the only thing my brain seems to be willing to put out.

I want this to end. I want to feel something akin to happiness. I'm tired of hurting.