I really enjoy missing him sometimes.
It's an odd sort of feeling- missing someone you'll see tomorrow. But I enjoy it.
I find that these are the times when I remember so many little things that make me love him.
I couldn't list them all if I tried for a hundred years, and who would do that? Why would I waste a hundred years thinking about and describing a person when I could be enjoying them?
There is so much that I enjoy about him- a thousand facets of his personality and character, the way that he prays, the way that his smile springs from nowhere when he laughs and, like lightning, shoots from his eyes to his mouth through his entire being- and a hundred thousand other things that I hope no one ever notices but me.
This is just to say: I love him.
And there's a depth of meaning in that that I may never be able to express quite fully.
8.01.2007
7.26.2007
I sit here in my room
typing on my unexpected-new-roommate's computer
wondering why it is that my head is aching so persistently
and feeling like a failure
because I've been sent home from work two days in a row
and I haven't protested.
I don't know how to fix this ache in my head
or this loneliness in my summer
for some reason, I feel like I can't reach out for it,
but like I need someone to come alongside me
and be there to tell me that I am not alone
that they won't let me be alone
because they love me-
not family, not N., but someone who is outside my usual immediate sphere-
a friend who is just a friend.
who has no other motive or reason than that they care for me.
H. just messaged me.
could she be the friend who is throwing me the life-preserver today?
I hope so...
i need rest.
not sleep- rest.
and a good solid dose of joy.
typing on my unexpected-new-roommate's computer
wondering why it is that my head is aching so persistently
and feeling like a failure
because I've been sent home from work two days in a row
and I haven't protested.
I don't know how to fix this ache in my head
or this loneliness in my summer
for some reason, I feel like I can't reach out for it,
but like I need someone to come alongside me
and be there to tell me that I am not alone
that they won't let me be alone
because they love me-
not family, not N., but someone who is outside my usual immediate sphere-
a friend who is just a friend.
who has no other motive or reason than that they care for me.
H. just messaged me.
could she be the friend who is throwing me the life-preserver today?
I hope so...
i need rest.
not sleep- rest.
and a good solid dose of joy.
7.15.2007
6.12.2007
I've begun praying again. I'm still scared, but that is no longer going to keep me away.
I'm praying for doors to be slammed in my face- so there will be only one way to go.
I'm praying to be made content with where I have been placed.
I'm praying for an end to or a comfort in lonliness.
I'm praying for wisdom.
I'm praying for accountability.
I'm praying for brokenness.
I'm praying for conviction.
I'm praying for forgiveness.
I'm praying for the strength to love.
I'm praying for patience.
I'm praying for exactly five miracles.
I'm praying for the desire to pray for others.
And as I was reminded by a very dear friend, I'm praying to my very best friend.
I'm praying for doors to be slammed in my face- so there will be only one way to go.
I'm praying to be made content with where I have been placed.
I'm praying for an end to or a comfort in lonliness.
I'm praying for wisdom.
I'm praying for accountability.
I'm praying for brokenness.
I'm praying for conviction.
I'm praying for forgiveness.
I'm praying for the strength to love.
I'm praying for patience.
I'm praying for exactly five miracles.
I'm praying for the desire to pray for others.
And as I was reminded by a very dear friend, I'm praying to my very best friend.
5.19.2007
No shadow of turning... and mercies each morning.
This has been a very unexpected summer.
I didn't expect to be working at Covenant.
I didn't expect to ever work for BEST again, even just during May Term.
I didn't expect to want to continue working for them over the whole summer.
I didn't expect to ever be willing to work in the kitchen.
I didn't expect to be content to live with people I barely know.
I didn't expect to see Noah this much over the summer.
I didn't expect to see my family this little.
I didn't expect that Seth would email me, so that I would be sure to read his blog over the summer- I didn't know he thought that much of our friendship.
Neither did I expect that Trey would do the same, or Caroline or BJ, or that Trevor would seek me out to hang out with me while he's here for May term.
I didn't expect that Kaylor would call me today.
I didn't expect that this summer would be so challenging.
I didn't expect that it would be this hard this early.
I didn't expect that this would be hard for me- for some stupid reason, I thought I was exempt.
I didn't expect that Pam and Pauline and Erika would like me.
I didn't expect to enjoy this so much.
I didn't expect to find out that Tippy had been wanting to get to know me better for a while.
I didn't expect to find such a vast array of potential deep frienships as I have this summer.
I didn't expect that Mom would do so much to help me get a kitchen set up.
I didn't expect that two-hour car ride to be so good.
I like the unexpected.
I need strength and accountability. And milk. But most of all, I need to continue spending a LOT of time in the word and in prayer. It's taken some pretty drastic things to drive me back there, but now that I'm there, I just want to go "farther up and further in." I'm so glad that Noah draws me in that direction. Daily there is confirmation and assurance that he is the one that has been chosen for me. There are times that I doubt that- but they are few, far between and short lived. Just like my doubts about God. I can't doubt for long, because "I've seen it." I know that this is it. And I know that I need to trust that. And trusting that is the greatest freedom I know.
El HaNe'eman~ my God is faithful.
I didn't expect to be working at Covenant.
I didn't expect to ever work for BEST again, even just during May Term.
I didn't expect to want to continue working for them over the whole summer.
I didn't expect to ever be willing to work in the kitchen.
I didn't expect to be content to live with people I barely know.
I didn't expect to see Noah this much over the summer.
I didn't expect to see my family this little.
I didn't expect that Seth would email me, so that I would be sure to read his blog over the summer- I didn't know he thought that much of our friendship.
Neither did I expect that Trey would do the same, or Caroline or BJ, or that Trevor would seek me out to hang out with me while he's here for May term.
I didn't expect that Kaylor would call me today.
I didn't expect that this summer would be so challenging.
I didn't expect that it would be this hard this early.
I didn't expect that this would be hard for me- for some stupid reason, I thought I was exempt.
I didn't expect that Pam and Pauline and Erika would like me.
I didn't expect to enjoy this so much.
I didn't expect to find out that Tippy had been wanting to get to know me better for a while.
I didn't expect to find such a vast array of potential deep frienships as I have this summer.
I didn't expect that Mom would do so much to help me get a kitchen set up.
I didn't expect that two-hour car ride to be so good.
I like the unexpected.
I need strength and accountability. And milk. But most of all, I need to continue spending a LOT of time in the word and in prayer. It's taken some pretty drastic things to drive me back there, but now that I'm there, I just want to go "farther up and further in." I'm so glad that Noah draws me in that direction. Daily there is confirmation and assurance that he is the one that has been chosen for me. There are times that I doubt that- but they are few, far between and short lived. Just like my doubts about God. I can't doubt for long, because "I've seen it." I know that this is it. And I know that I need to trust that. And trusting that is the greatest freedom I know.
El HaNe'eman~ my God is faithful.
5.01.2007
I'm beginning to think that Paul wrote 1 Corinthians specifically to me...
I am physically, mentally, and emotionally drained. And I feel somewhat... overwhelmed right now.
Not emotionally, though. Emotionally I just feel... whelmed.
My mind is stuffed full like a pack-rat's carry-on. It is practically bursting at the seams with information that seems to matter very little right now.
I still have two more difficult exams tomorrow. I don't know where that studying is going to fit in. I don't have time, and I feel like I've completely exhausted my resources already. I just feel... full. Very, very full.
My arm is still sore from writing out the last exam. And tomorrow, it's probably going to be so sore it just falls off.
Why does anyone think they can have a cumulative exam that tests on miniscule details that were mentioned once or not at all mentioned in class? Why this sadistic little approach? Do they get pleasure from seeing us sweat and panic while taking their tests?
On a different note completely, last night was... I don't even have a word for that. It was beneficial in the long run, but definitely not fun or enjoyable. It was painful, and involved a lot of tears and hurt and fear, but now.... I just feel so trusted. And so reassured. And so loved. But also, somewhat unprotected, wronged, wounded, heartbroken, sad and upset. And I'm also curious. Part of me wants to ask more questions and to find out just how extensive this is, to know just how far it went and just how often and how long. Part of me wants to know. The other part of me is praying that I never have to think about it again. No, that's not it. The other part of me is realizing that "love keeps no record of wrongs" can sometimes mean that love doesn't require full knowledge of wrongs committed. That I don't need to know all of what happened in order to forgive and to pray for healing. That I don't need to know just how deeply I've been cut in order to ask God for help. That I don't need to expose that part of NDB, but rather that I need to protect that this is not something lots of people know, but that rather it is dealt with on the level of the wrong that was committed. That those involved know, and that forgiveness has been sought and that Christ has paid the punishment for this already. That it doesn't need to be rehashed.
I don't know how to process the grace that has been given to me.
My mind will not accept these things:
that I have been forgiven
that He has made me able to forgive
that I've been trusted
that there is healing
that all I want is to be with NDB, not to run away or have space, but that the forgiveness goes all the way through
that I was able to tell NDB what I did last night
that I am loved even though all my junk is out in the open and known
that I'm wanted and cared for and protected.
My mind will not allow me to think of these things as fitting under any category other than "impossible."
God is faithful. The one who has called me is faithful. He will do it.
"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." ~1 Corinthians 10:13
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." ~1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Not emotionally, though. Emotionally I just feel... whelmed.
My mind is stuffed full like a pack-rat's carry-on. It is practically bursting at the seams with information that seems to matter very little right now.
I still have two more difficult exams tomorrow. I don't know where that studying is going to fit in. I don't have time, and I feel like I've completely exhausted my resources already. I just feel... full. Very, very full.
My arm is still sore from writing out the last exam. And tomorrow, it's probably going to be so sore it just falls off.
Why does anyone think they can have a cumulative exam that tests on miniscule details that were mentioned once or not at all mentioned in class? Why this sadistic little approach? Do they get pleasure from seeing us sweat and panic while taking their tests?
On a different note completely, last night was... I don't even have a word for that. It was beneficial in the long run, but definitely not fun or enjoyable. It was painful, and involved a lot of tears and hurt and fear, but now.... I just feel so trusted. And so reassured. And so loved. But also, somewhat unprotected, wronged, wounded, heartbroken, sad and upset. And I'm also curious. Part of me wants to ask more questions and to find out just how extensive this is, to know just how far it went and just how often and how long. Part of me wants to know. The other part of me is praying that I never have to think about it again. No, that's not it. The other part of me is realizing that "love keeps no record of wrongs" can sometimes mean that love doesn't require full knowledge of wrongs committed. That I don't need to know all of what happened in order to forgive and to pray for healing. That I don't need to know just how deeply I've been cut in order to ask God for help. That I don't need to expose that part of NDB, but rather that I need to protect that this is not something lots of people know, but that rather it is dealt with on the level of the wrong that was committed. That those involved know, and that forgiveness has been sought and that Christ has paid the punishment for this already. That it doesn't need to be rehashed.
I don't know how to process the grace that has been given to me.
My mind will not accept these things:
that I have been forgiven
that He has made me able to forgive
that I've been trusted
that there is healing
that all I want is to be with NDB, not to run away or have space, but that the forgiveness goes all the way through
that I was able to tell NDB what I did last night
that I am loved even though all my junk is out in the open and known
that I'm wanted and cared for and protected.
My mind will not allow me to think of these things as fitting under any category other than "impossible."
God is faithful. The one who has called me is faithful. He will do it.
"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." ~1 Corinthians 10:13
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." ~1 Corinthians 13:4-7
4.29.2007
"For I know that my Redeemer lives, and at the last he will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been thus destroyed, yet in my flesh I shall see God, whom I shall see for myself, and my eyes shall behold, and not another." -Job 19:25-27
I was reminded of this verse in the sermon this morning. There is something about its promise that "in my flesh I shall see God, whom I shall see for myself, and my eyes shall behold, and not another" that never fails to be a comfort and a reassurance to me. And though they aren't directly connected, it was still comforting to me this afternoon talking to NDB about our worries about next year. Though what we were speaking of meant that we would be prevented from getting married next summer because of a few hundred dollars a month, which is simultaneously a lot and not very much, this verse kept coming into my mind and reassuring me of the promises I have been given.
My father owns the cattle on a thousand hills.
He doesn't give his sons a snake when they ask for bread.
"Once I was young and now am I old, but I have never seen the righteous hungry, nor their children begging bread."
"Give us this day our daily bread"
"he that is able to do much more than we could ask or think will thereby freely give us all things"
Even in the midst of our conversation- in the midst of the worry and doubt that was found there - I had no doubts that I think this plan is what God wants us to follow. I have no qualms about this at all. No matter what it requires of me- unless and until God leads me otherwise, I am willing to put all that I have towards this. I'm all in.
After I left him, I started looking at some numbers of my own, and I found something that might make this a possibility. I haven't any details yet, but I'm sure going to look into them....
I was reminded of this verse in the sermon this morning. There is something about its promise that "in my flesh I shall see God, whom I shall see for myself, and my eyes shall behold, and not another" that never fails to be a comfort and a reassurance to me. And though they aren't directly connected, it was still comforting to me this afternoon talking to NDB about our worries about next year. Though what we were speaking of meant that we would be prevented from getting married next summer because of a few hundred dollars a month, which is simultaneously a lot and not very much, this verse kept coming into my mind and reassuring me of the promises I have been given.
My father owns the cattle on a thousand hills.
He doesn't give his sons a snake when they ask for bread.
"Once I was young and now am I old, but I have never seen the righteous hungry, nor their children begging bread."
"Give us this day our daily bread"
"he that is able to do much more than we could ask or think will thereby freely give us all things"
Even in the midst of our conversation- in the midst of the worry and doubt that was found there - I had no doubts that I think this plan is what God wants us to follow. I have no qualms about this at all. No matter what it requires of me- unless and until God leads me otherwise, I am willing to put all that I have towards this. I'm all in.
After I left him, I started looking at some numbers of my own, and I found something that might make this a possibility. I haven't any details yet, but I'm sure going to look into them....
4.16.2007
I am weary this evening. Weary of this struggle with her, weary of this annoying pain in my hip, weary of people who don't understand each other. All around me I see weary, downtrodden people who are dearer to me than my energy. If I could give some of my energy or my joy or my peace to them, depleting my already low store and replenishing theirs, I would do it. But, that is not the way that we are allowed to bear each others' burdens. And this inability to bear with my brethren in this way weighs on me, though I know full well that it is impossible.
I want to help someone. I want to feel like I have something I can give that makes someone's load a little lighter. Something meaningful. I'm tired of running office errands and scanning photographs and sending mail and being a human filing cabinet. I want to do something that matters.
I want to rest. I want rest that keeps me feeling rested past chapel. I want to not wake up feeling sore and like I could have slept for a lot longer. I want to stop waking up before or after my alarm, and start waking up when it goes off.
I want to start working on Thorn for next year. A stack of thirteen beautiful volumes of a college's heart-thoughts bound up in paper and ink and staples and glue. I want to begin the process of making my own. I know that this will start out with a lot of learning, and I am anxious to do so. I want to find out all of the details about publishing and editing and layout while I am still fresh and full of zeal for it. I want to find a copy of each Thorn published to date and make copies or scans of them so that I can have my own library of thoughts from Covenant College.
I want to help someone. I want to feel like I have something I can give that makes someone's load a little lighter. Something meaningful. I'm tired of running office errands and scanning photographs and sending mail and being a human filing cabinet. I want to do something that matters.
I want to rest. I want rest that keeps me feeling rested past chapel. I want to not wake up feeling sore and like I could have slept for a lot longer. I want to stop waking up before or after my alarm, and start waking up when it goes off.
I want to start working on Thorn for next year. A stack of thirteen beautiful volumes of a college's heart-thoughts bound up in paper and ink and staples and glue. I want to begin the process of making my own. I know that this will start out with a lot of learning, and I am anxious to do so. I want to find out all of the details about publishing and editing and layout while I am still fresh and full of zeal for it. I want to find a copy of each Thorn published to date and make copies or scans of them so that I can have my own library of thoughts from Covenant College.
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