This has been a very unexpected summer.
I didn't expect to be working at Covenant.
I didn't expect to ever work for BEST again, even just during May Term.
I didn't expect to want to continue working for them over the whole summer.
I didn't expect to ever be willing to work in the kitchen.
I didn't expect to be content to live with people I barely know.
I didn't expect to see Noah this much over the summer.
I didn't expect to see my family this little.
I didn't expect that Seth would email me, so that I would be sure to read his blog over the summer- I didn't know he thought that much of our friendship.
Neither did I expect that Trey would do the same, or Caroline or BJ, or that Trevor would seek me out to hang out with me while he's here for May term.
I didn't expect that Kaylor would call me today.
I didn't expect that this summer would be so challenging.
I didn't expect that it would be this hard this early.
I didn't expect that this would be hard for me- for some stupid reason, I thought I was exempt.
I didn't expect that Pam and Pauline and Erika would like me.
I didn't expect to enjoy this so much.
I didn't expect to find out that Tippy had been wanting to get to know me better for a while.
I didn't expect to find such a vast array of potential deep frienships as I have this summer.
I didn't expect that Mom would do so much to help me get a kitchen set up.
I didn't expect that two-hour car ride to be so good.
I like the unexpected.
I need strength and accountability. And milk. But most of all, I need to continue spending a LOT of time in the word and in prayer. It's taken some pretty drastic things to drive me back there, but now that I'm there, I just want to go "farther up and further in." I'm so glad that Noah draws me in that direction. Daily there is confirmation and assurance that he is the one that has been chosen for me. There are times that I doubt that- but they are few, far between and short lived. Just like my doubts about God. I can't doubt for long, because "I've seen it." I know that this is it. And I know that I need to trust that. And trusting that is the greatest freedom I know.
El HaNe'eman~ my God is faithful.
5.01.2007
I'm beginning to think that Paul wrote 1 Corinthians specifically to me...
I am physically, mentally, and emotionally drained. And I feel somewhat... overwhelmed right now.
Not emotionally, though. Emotionally I just feel... whelmed.
My mind is stuffed full like a pack-rat's carry-on. It is practically bursting at the seams with information that seems to matter very little right now.
I still have two more difficult exams tomorrow. I don't know where that studying is going to fit in. I don't have time, and I feel like I've completely exhausted my resources already. I just feel... full. Very, very full.
My arm is still sore from writing out the last exam. And tomorrow, it's probably going to be so sore it just falls off.
Why does anyone think they can have a cumulative exam that tests on miniscule details that were mentioned once or not at all mentioned in class? Why this sadistic little approach? Do they get pleasure from seeing us sweat and panic while taking their tests?
On a different note completely, last night was... I don't even have a word for that. It was beneficial in the long run, but definitely not fun or enjoyable. It was painful, and involved a lot of tears and hurt and fear, but now.... I just feel so trusted. And so reassured. And so loved. But also, somewhat unprotected, wronged, wounded, heartbroken, sad and upset. And I'm also curious. Part of me wants to ask more questions and to find out just how extensive this is, to know just how far it went and just how often and how long. Part of me wants to know. The other part of me is praying that I never have to think about it again. No, that's not it. The other part of me is realizing that "love keeps no record of wrongs" can sometimes mean that love doesn't require full knowledge of wrongs committed. That I don't need to know all of what happened in order to forgive and to pray for healing. That I don't need to know just how deeply I've been cut in order to ask God for help. That I don't need to expose that part of NDB, but rather that I need to protect that this is not something lots of people know, but that rather it is dealt with on the level of the wrong that was committed. That those involved know, and that forgiveness has been sought and that Christ has paid the punishment for this already. That it doesn't need to be rehashed.
I don't know how to process the grace that has been given to me.
My mind will not accept these things:
that I have been forgiven
that He has made me able to forgive
that I've been trusted
that there is healing
that all I want is to be with NDB, not to run away or have space, but that the forgiveness goes all the way through
that I was able to tell NDB what I did last night
that I am loved even though all my junk is out in the open and known
that I'm wanted and cared for and protected.
My mind will not allow me to think of these things as fitting under any category other than "impossible."
God is faithful. The one who has called me is faithful. He will do it.
"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." ~1 Corinthians 10:13
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." ~1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Not emotionally, though. Emotionally I just feel... whelmed.
My mind is stuffed full like a pack-rat's carry-on. It is practically bursting at the seams with information that seems to matter very little right now.
I still have two more difficult exams tomorrow. I don't know where that studying is going to fit in. I don't have time, and I feel like I've completely exhausted my resources already. I just feel... full. Very, very full.
My arm is still sore from writing out the last exam. And tomorrow, it's probably going to be so sore it just falls off.
Why does anyone think they can have a cumulative exam that tests on miniscule details that were mentioned once or not at all mentioned in class? Why this sadistic little approach? Do they get pleasure from seeing us sweat and panic while taking their tests?
On a different note completely, last night was... I don't even have a word for that. It was beneficial in the long run, but definitely not fun or enjoyable. It was painful, and involved a lot of tears and hurt and fear, but now.... I just feel so trusted. And so reassured. And so loved. But also, somewhat unprotected, wronged, wounded, heartbroken, sad and upset. And I'm also curious. Part of me wants to ask more questions and to find out just how extensive this is, to know just how far it went and just how often and how long. Part of me wants to know. The other part of me is praying that I never have to think about it again. No, that's not it. The other part of me is realizing that "love keeps no record of wrongs" can sometimes mean that love doesn't require full knowledge of wrongs committed. That I don't need to know all of what happened in order to forgive and to pray for healing. That I don't need to know just how deeply I've been cut in order to ask God for help. That I don't need to expose that part of NDB, but rather that I need to protect that this is not something lots of people know, but that rather it is dealt with on the level of the wrong that was committed. That those involved know, and that forgiveness has been sought and that Christ has paid the punishment for this already. That it doesn't need to be rehashed.
I don't know how to process the grace that has been given to me.
My mind will not accept these things:
that I have been forgiven
that He has made me able to forgive
that I've been trusted
that there is healing
that all I want is to be with NDB, not to run away or have space, but that the forgiveness goes all the way through
that I was able to tell NDB what I did last night
that I am loved even though all my junk is out in the open and known
that I'm wanted and cared for and protected.
My mind will not allow me to think of these things as fitting under any category other than "impossible."
God is faithful. The one who has called me is faithful. He will do it.
"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." ~1 Corinthians 10:13
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." ~1 Corinthians 13:4-7
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