Last night we talked until 5AM.
It wasn't that we had nothing else to do- we both had things to do early this morning. It was that this was more important. It was that the things we were discussing actually mattered. And they mattered more than a 7:45 class and more than 8:30 workstudy. They mattered in life.
And so we talked.

We talked about what this Jesus we follow really means. We talked about how the actions and lifestyles and mindsets of other Christians really rips into us. We discussed how we should change that in our own lives. We talked about what it meant to be God-copyers.

In our country, you can give twenty percent of your income without it even hurting. The government allows you to deduct what you give away up to twenty percent on your taxes. We don't think tithing should fall under that. We talked about it, and we think that you should give that twenty percent and then give ten percent to the church. And that if, after that, you put ten percent away in a savings account that you don't touch, it is proven that you will live very comfortably when you retire because it really does build up that much. Even if you don't make that much each paycheck. So, if we chose to live on sixty percent of our exhorbitant incomes, we would end up doing so much more in our lives and we would be totally taken care of when we were old. It just makes sense. Why haven't we thought of this before??

I'm getting really impatient and a little panicky.
I feel like we should be gone by now. It's still before the time I told Becca we'd be leaving, but it's just getting late. And I'm really not wanting to be alone.

I was this way when Papa died- and then Mama. I don't like to be alone when I'm dealing with someone having just died.

I know it's irrational, but I feel like if there isn't someone with me, there's nothing to keep me from getting a call that someone else has died or is sick or is hurt.
I just get worried and start thinking that nobody's ok.

Maybe it's some sort of mother-hen reflex that just wants to spread my wings out and draw anyone close to me under them so that I can be sure that they're safe.

I just want Noah to get here. I need him so much right now- it's almost weird to think of him as another person- I mean, it's weird to think that he's not my husband yet. In 5 1/2 months, he will be and I can actually feel comfortable depending on him. Right now, I'm just trying not to get ahead of myself (haha- not always doing such a great job of that...).

I'm not making coherent sense. I need to slow down and do some of those breathing/relaxation exercises that Aihley and Kristen taught me.

I think I'll try to distract myself with other people's blogs until he gets here.

I'm sitting here at work, going through the routine, and it occurs to me that today is beautiful.

It's freexing cold outside. The wind is blowing brightly colored swirls of leaves outside my window, and there's a draft that seems to be bringing outside into this office. I'm enjoying that draft right now.

I'm also enjoying that there is Jack Johnson music playing somewhere nearby- it could be from Tad's headphones, or it could be from the dorm that is right next to our office. But I'm enjoying it. It's reminding me of beautiful mornings last fall when Trevor and I would drive to Rock Creek for church. Those were fun soul-comforting drives. I miss them sometimes. But mostly I cherish the weary memory each time I call it up.

The sun is shining very brightly outside, and Dante (the dog) is outside my window looking at me. Earlier, when I was walking back from messengering, he was following so close that his ear almost touched my hip when I rounded a corner. I hadn't even noticed that he was there. Then I turned around and he backed off- skittish as usual. But he seems to halfway understand that I'm safe.

So often lately, I have felt like Dante.

What does it mean to be full of faith?

I don't quite know where to begin with all of this.

On the one hand, my neat little Christian-response-to-postmodernism worldview is telling me that I need to be proactive and start taking things into my own hands and see if this plan is practically feasible. That would mean hunting down Travis (even more intensely than we have been); finding a place to live; planning details; giving a heads up to people who might need to ask off of work or something; crunching numbers; looking for a job and a myriad of other things.

On the other hand, the striving-to-follow-what-scripture-actually-says-wannabe-early-church mindset that I have is telling me that this is a faith situation. It is telling me that I should pray. That I should trust that God's hand is in this and until our scheduled meetings with Brad, Travis, and Michelle, there isn't anything I can do except live each day and pray. I can think about what things might mean. I can think about the ways things might pan out. I can think about how this will change current plans. But as of this moment, there's nothing I can really do about it.

I don't think that it's laziness that is causing me to be inclined towards the latter strategy. It goes against what my personality would have me do. But it is very much in line with what my faith is telling me to do. I feel like Kierkegaard. I'm standing out over water that is 70,000 fathoms deep hoping that I won't sink because my faith is so strong. But, my question is: if I'm believing that I won't sink, then why is it important how deep the water is? If I am truly trusting in something that is worth trusting in, then it doesn't matter how deep or how shallow- if I don't sink, the object of my faith is of exactly the same strength. It doesn't change a whit. If God is true, then he is powerful. If he is powerful, then he can order things. And he's a lot better at it than I am.

It's been interesting to me to see this week how even the things that I look at (when they have not happened) and think that they would totally ruin everything- that if those things happen, they happen in God's timing. And that timing is something that I cannot understand. Because if this had happened at a different time, there would have been some drastically different outcomes. But because it happened at exactly the time that it did, what could have had all of the effects of a curse has become something that is showering down blessings and forgiveness.

In some big incomprehensible omniscient way, even our sin is crucial within the plan of God for what he has in store for us. And what he has in store for us is good. What he has in store for us is the very best possible thing for us. And there's no way we can foul that up.