Pensees

These days I seem to think of many things as being past tense- closed doors, childhood friendships, and times that have passed. Some of them I cannot retrieve, but many are just waiting there for me to turn around and call for them. I have learned recently just how silent I have allowed myself to become.

These days I seem to not know just who I am becoming or whom I have presented myself as being. I'm not sure I like who I am at work.

These days I seem to be overeager for acceptance and approval. It's beguiling that I should be so desperate for approval that if it seems out of reach, I turn and ignore it instead of standing on my tiptoes where I might reach it.

These days I seem to sleep poorly and wake up feeling like I've been wrestling with angels- perhaps when I change my name I should make it Israel.

These days I find myself lamenting the level of maturity I have attempted to impose upon myself- because I still want someone else to do my dishes and hold me as I cry.

These days I spend a lot of time thinking about how I should take better care of myself, but not a lot of time trying to take care of myself.

These days I seem to rush to everything- rush to shower, rush to work, rush to home, rush to clean, rush to sleep, rush to love, but not rush to God.

These days I find myself missing simplicity.

These days I end up wishing for Saturdays filled with play instead of work.

These days I fret often. I crave Psalm 34's abundant peace.