Two years five months and twenty seven days ago I wrote the last entry in this blog.

A month and a half before that I wrote about desperately wanting a child. I have her. Two days after my last blog post, we conceived and now we have a beautiful little girl. Her hair is golden curls and she's brilliant. We now have another littler girl. She favors me and her smile is light itself. Now I know why I wanted them so badly.

Between my daughters, I lost two children. This is the anniversary of our second loss. Before I had children, I had no idea your heart could break so deeply that it felt as if your very soul had been rent in two. Now I know.

In the past nine hundred and seven days (that's two years, five months and twenty seven days), I have learned much. I have laughed deeply. I have wept bitterly. I have found the abundant peace I was longing after, and given my daughter a name that reflected that her coming into being was the catalyst for that learning. Today, I still feel that abundant peace. It is still blossoming out wider and wider in my life.

But today, I also feel anger and grief and pain. Having children changed me. Losing children changed me. Sometimes I look back at who I was and wonder if I could even really consider myself the same person. Sometimes I wonder if I want to.

Lately, I just feel confused.