The tune to the old song that goes "would you know my na-a-ame, if I saw you in heaven?" is going through my head as I sit here on my beige colored couch looking at a wall of black and white.
I feel closer to God tonight than I have in a long time. This week has been good for coming back to him. While I sit here in the quiet lamplit glow that is my living room, I wonder if that is because of what Travis said or because I purchased a new bible or because Noah (and a couple of other people) are just shoving me right up against Jesus. I mean, it's like we've unexpectedly wandered into a mosh pit together. That's how shoved towards Jesus I feel.
I like my new bible. The cover leaves something to be desired, but the rest of it really makes me happy. It reads more like one whole book because they don't insist on starting each book on a new page, they just skip a few lines and go on. Also, it's in French. That makes my whole heart glow. I've been using it in chapel and in my classes to read along with whoever's reading a passage, and it has really helped me to understand some passages more. It's interesting because sometimes the English word is more clear, or the French one is- so I get to have it doubly clarified for me. I got it on Tuesday, and that day as I walked home, I read a passage from Revelation and then a Psalm, and those two particular passages had never really struck me as anything important at all, but as I read them in a new language... it was like meeting them for the first time and really understanding why they're in there. It makes me happy that the Word is finally alive to me again. And that I have an impetus to read it.
I've been thinking a lot about what Laur and I talked about the other night. I think we stumbled onto something that is pretty huge- at least for me. And since I know I go back every once in a while and read old posts, I'm going to nutshell it so that It'll hit me again and I'll be reminded to act this way. Here:
So we were talking about a facebook group for transgendered people who want the "sex:" field to be a type in field instead of a drop down menu, and about how the wall for the group had a lot of posts that were talking about how Christians had been sending them the Facebook equivalent of hate mail. And it pissed us off.
It pissed us off that Christians are so ready to resign people to hell and tell them that they've gone too far- that Christ can't/won't save them. It pissed us off that they treat these people like it is their (the Christian's) job to make hell start early for them. But that couldn't be farther from the truth. We have no fucking idea who is going to be wandering around heaven with us. We can't tell that. None of us can. And even if we could, that should be more reason to make us kind and loving to those who won't be there. Because for them, this life is their only chance to see mercy, love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control, patience. This is it for them. And there is something inherently valuable about those virtues. Everyone should see them. No one should be treated the way we treat those that we feel are beyond help. No one.
Anyway, it's now half past three in the morning, so I shall head to bed.
12.01.2007
11.29.2007
Last night we talked until 5AM.
It wasn't that we had nothing else to do- we both had things to do early this morning. It was that this was more important. It was that the things we were discussing actually mattered. And they mattered more than a 7:45 class and more than 8:30 workstudy. They mattered in life.
And so we talked.
We talked about what this Jesus we follow really means. We talked about how the actions and lifestyles and mindsets of other Christians really rips into us. We discussed how we should change that in our own lives. We talked about what it meant to be God-copyers.
In our country, you can give twenty percent of your income without it even hurting. The government allows you to deduct what you give away up to twenty percent on your taxes. We don't think tithing should fall under that. We talked about it, and we think that you should give that twenty percent and then give ten percent to the church. And that if, after that, you put ten percent away in a savings account that you don't touch, it is proven that you will live very comfortably when you retire because it really does build up that much. Even if you don't make that much each paycheck. So, if we chose to live on sixty percent of our exhorbitant incomes, we would end up doing so much more in our lives and we would be totally taken care of when we were old. It just makes sense. Why haven't we thought of this before??
It wasn't that we had nothing else to do- we both had things to do early this morning. It was that this was more important. It was that the things we were discussing actually mattered. And they mattered more than a 7:45 class and more than 8:30 workstudy. They mattered in life.
And so we talked.
We talked about what this Jesus we follow really means. We talked about how the actions and lifestyles and mindsets of other Christians really rips into us. We discussed how we should change that in our own lives. We talked about what it meant to be God-copyers.
In our country, you can give twenty percent of your income without it even hurting. The government allows you to deduct what you give away up to twenty percent on your taxes. We don't think tithing should fall under that. We talked about it, and we think that you should give that twenty percent and then give ten percent to the church. And that if, after that, you put ten percent away in a savings account that you don't touch, it is proven that you will live very comfortably when you retire because it really does build up that much. Even if you don't make that much each paycheck. So, if we chose to live on sixty percent of our exhorbitant incomes, we would end up doing so much more in our lives and we would be totally taken care of when we were old. It just makes sense. Why haven't we thought of this before??
11.20.2007
I'm getting really impatient and a little panicky.
I feel like we should be gone by now. It's still before the time I told Becca we'd be leaving, but it's just getting late. And I'm really not wanting to be alone.
I was this way when Papa died- and then Mama. I don't like to be alone when I'm dealing with someone having just died.
I know it's irrational, but I feel like if there isn't someone with me, there's nothing to keep me from getting a call that someone else has died or is sick or is hurt.
I just get worried and start thinking that nobody's ok.
Maybe it's some sort of mother-hen reflex that just wants to spread my wings out and draw anyone close to me under them so that I can be sure that they're safe.
I just want Noah to get here. I need him so much right now- it's almost weird to think of him as another person- I mean, it's weird to think that he's not my husband yet. In 5 1/2 months, he will be and I can actually feel comfortable depending on him. Right now, I'm just trying not to get ahead of myself (haha- not always doing such a great job of that...).
I'm not making coherent sense. I need to slow down and do some of those breathing/relaxation exercises that Aihley and Kristen taught me.
I think I'll try to distract myself with other people's blogs until he gets here.
I feel like we should be gone by now. It's still before the time I told Becca we'd be leaving, but it's just getting late. And I'm really not wanting to be alone.
I was this way when Papa died- and then Mama. I don't like to be alone when I'm dealing with someone having just died.
I know it's irrational, but I feel like if there isn't someone with me, there's nothing to keep me from getting a call that someone else has died or is sick or is hurt.
I just get worried and start thinking that nobody's ok.
Maybe it's some sort of mother-hen reflex that just wants to spread my wings out and draw anyone close to me under them so that I can be sure that they're safe.
I just want Noah to get here. I need him so much right now- it's almost weird to think of him as another person- I mean, it's weird to think that he's not my husband yet. In 5 1/2 months, he will be and I can actually feel comfortable depending on him. Right now, I'm just trying not to get ahead of myself (haha- not always doing such a great job of that...).
I'm not making coherent sense. I need to slow down and do some of those breathing/relaxation exercises that Aihley and Kristen taught me.
I think I'll try to distract myself with other people's blogs until he gets here.
11.15.2007
I'm sitting here at work, going through the routine, and it occurs to me that today is beautiful.
It's freexing cold outside. The wind is blowing brightly colored swirls of leaves outside my window, and there's a draft that seems to be bringing outside into this office. I'm enjoying that draft right now.
I'm also enjoying that there is Jack Johnson music playing somewhere nearby- it could be from Tad's headphones, or it could be from the dorm that is right next to our office. But I'm enjoying it. It's reminding me of beautiful mornings last fall when Trevor and I would drive to Rock Creek for church. Those were fun soul-comforting drives. I miss them sometimes. But mostly I cherish the weary memory each time I call it up.
The sun is shining very brightly outside, and Dante (the dog) is outside my window looking at me. Earlier, when I was walking back from messengering, he was following so close that his ear almost touched my hip when I rounded a corner. I hadn't even noticed that he was there. Then I turned around and he backed off- skittish as usual. But he seems to halfway understand that I'm safe.
So often lately, I have felt like Dante.
It's freexing cold outside. The wind is blowing brightly colored swirls of leaves outside my window, and there's a draft that seems to be bringing outside into this office. I'm enjoying that draft right now.
I'm also enjoying that there is Jack Johnson music playing somewhere nearby- it could be from Tad's headphones, or it could be from the dorm that is right next to our office. But I'm enjoying it. It's reminding me of beautiful mornings last fall when Trevor and I would drive to Rock Creek for church. Those were fun soul-comforting drives. I miss them sometimes. But mostly I cherish the weary memory each time I call it up.
The sun is shining very brightly outside, and Dante (the dog) is outside my window looking at me. Earlier, when I was walking back from messengering, he was following so close that his ear almost touched my hip when I rounded a corner. I hadn't even noticed that he was there. Then I turned around and he backed off- skittish as usual. But he seems to halfway understand that I'm safe.
So often lately, I have felt like Dante.
11.12.2007
What does it mean to be full of faith?
I don't quite know where to begin with all of this.
On the one hand, my neat little Christian-response-to-postmodernism worldview is telling me that I need to be proactive and start taking things into my own hands and see if this plan is practically feasible. That would mean hunting down Travis (even more intensely than we have been); finding a place to live; planning details; giving a heads up to people who might need to ask off of work or something; crunching numbers; looking for a job and a myriad of other things.
On the other hand, the striving-to-follow-what-scripture-actually-says-wannabe-early-church mindset that I have is telling me that this is a faith situation. It is telling me that I should pray. That I should trust that God's hand is in this and until our scheduled meetings with Brad, Travis, and Michelle, there isn't anything I can do except live each day and pray. I can think about what things might mean. I can think about the ways things might pan out. I can think about how this will change current plans. But as of this moment, there's nothing I can really do about it.
I don't think that it's laziness that is causing me to be inclined towards the latter strategy. It goes against what my personality would have me do. But it is very much in line with what my faith is telling me to do. I feel like Kierkegaard. I'm standing out over water that is 70,000 fathoms deep hoping that I won't sink because my faith is so strong. But, my question is: if I'm believing that I won't sink, then why is it important how deep the water is? If I am truly trusting in something that is worth trusting in, then it doesn't matter how deep or how shallow- if I don't sink, the object of my faith is of exactly the same strength. It doesn't change a whit. If God is true, then he is powerful. If he is powerful, then he can order things. And he's a lot better at it than I am.
It's been interesting to me to see this week how even the things that I look at (when they have not happened) and think that they would totally ruin everything- that if those things happen, they happen in God's timing. And that timing is something that I cannot understand. Because if this had happened at a different time, there would have been some drastically different outcomes. But because it happened at exactly the time that it did, what could have had all of the effects of a curse has become something that is showering down blessings and forgiveness.
In some big incomprehensible omniscient way, even our sin is crucial within the plan of God for what he has in store for us. And what he has in store for us is good. What he has in store for us is the very best possible thing for us. And there's no way we can foul that up.
On the one hand, my neat little Christian-response-to-postmodernism worldview is telling me that I need to be proactive and start taking things into my own hands and see if this plan is practically feasible. That would mean hunting down Travis (even more intensely than we have been); finding a place to live; planning details; giving a heads up to people who might need to ask off of work or something; crunching numbers; looking for a job and a myriad of other things.
On the other hand, the striving-to-follow-what-scripture-actually-says-wannabe-early-church mindset that I have is telling me that this is a faith situation. It is telling me that I should pray. That I should trust that God's hand is in this and until our scheduled meetings with Brad, Travis, and Michelle, there isn't anything I can do except live each day and pray. I can think about what things might mean. I can think about the ways things might pan out. I can think about how this will change current plans. But as of this moment, there's nothing I can really do about it.
I don't think that it's laziness that is causing me to be inclined towards the latter strategy. It goes against what my personality would have me do. But it is very much in line with what my faith is telling me to do. I feel like Kierkegaard. I'm standing out over water that is 70,000 fathoms deep hoping that I won't sink because my faith is so strong. But, my question is: if I'm believing that I won't sink, then why is it important how deep the water is? If I am truly trusting in something that is worth trusting in, then it doesn't matter how deep or how shallow- if I don't sink, the object of my faith is of exactly the same strength. It doesn't change a whit. If God is true, then he is powerful. If he is powerful, then he can order things. And he's a lot better at it than I am.
It's been interesting to me to see this week how even the things that I look at (when they have not happened) and think that they would totally ruin everything- that if those things happen, they happen in God's timing. And that timing is something that I cannot understand. Because if this had happened at a different time, there would have been some drastically different outcomes. But because it happened at exactly the time that it did, what could have had all of the effects of a curse has become something that is showering down blessings and forgiveness.
In some big incomprehensible omniscient way, even our sin is crucial within the plan of God for what he has in store for us. And what he has in store for us is good. What he has in store for us is the very best possible thing for us. And there's no way we can foul that up.
9.06.2007
tangled up in billowing waves
I feel like everything in my life is overwhelming right now. My mind feels heavy with it all. I feel completely overcome by all of this, but I know that there are a ton of wonderful things going on in my life! I know that! I can look at my life and list off so many things that are such blessings, but even those things feel like they're too much to handle.
I can't see the next inch of road, much less the next three feet. I know exactly what's around the bend, but I feel like I'm stumbling along in the dark and can't even find the bend. I don't know where to turn. I feel like I'm hanging so much on tomorrow's appointment with Jeff.
I don't even know him! I've heard good things about him, but I've only seen him once. It was a few weeks ago. He came in the door in front of where I was sitting in Carter Lobby- it was probably about 3 minutes until 8- I was waiting for 8 o'clock so that I could go to the records office and add a class. I was kind of enjoying watching people walk in, but feeling a little like I was there before I should be- like I was intruding on their pre-workday solitude. he waslked in and said hello to someone. They replied with "Hello, Jeff." I had heard that Jeff was tall, but I didn't know what he looked like or anything, but this man was tall and he was headed up the North Stairwell towards the Priesthill center. So I knew it had to be him.
I'm afraid of tomorrow. I'm afraid of what he'll tell me. I'm afraid of what I'll tell him.
I'm intimidated.
I feel like I'm being held under water. The feeling in my head is like it is being deprived of that which it needs to live and function. Just like it did when my brother used to hold my head under water a little too long in Mee-Maw's pool when we were younger. I think that might be why I'm uncomfortable around water. Or perhaps why I feel like I'm drowning when I feel inadequate or scared.
When you are under water too long, survival instinct kicks in and you start to kick your legs and flail your arms so that you can push up to the surface and allow the air to rush back into your lungs. My survival instinct seems to be tired and depressed. It isn't kicking in. I feel like I'm kicking (but oddly, not like I'm flailing my arms) but the surface just won't come.
I just got a mental image of myself drowning- in the ocean- and the fish were all looking around at me as if to say "What the hell are you doing here?" That's what being in school right now feels like.
I keep being really cynical. I can't tell if it's because of this summer or if it's just because I'm so sad. Cynicism has become the only thing my brain seems to be willing to put out.
I want this to end. I want to feel something akin to happiness. I'm tired of hurting.
I can't see the next inch of road, much less the next three feet. I know exactly what's around the bend, but I feel like I'm stumbling along in the dark and can't even find the bend. I don't know where to turn. I feel like I'm hanging so much on tomorrow's appointment with Jeff.
I don't even know him! I've heard good things about him, but I've only seen him once. It was a few weeks ago. He came in the door in front of where I was sitting in Carter Lobby- it was probably about 3 minutes until 8- I was waiting for 8 o'clock so that I could go to the records office and add a class. I was kind of enjoying watching people walk in, but feeling a little like I was there before I should be- like I was intruding on their pre-workday solitude. he waslked in and said hello to someone. They replied with "Hello, Jeff." I had heard that Jeff was tall, but I didn't know what he looked like or anything, but this man was tall and he was headed up the North Stairwell towards the Priesthill center. So I knew it had to be him.
I'm afraid of tomorrow. I'm afraid of what he'll tell me. I'm afraid of what I'll tell him.
I'm intimidated.
I feel like I'm being held under water. The feeling in my head is like it is being deprived of that which it needs to live and function. Just like it did when my brother used to hold my head under water a little too long in Mee-Maw's pool when we were younger. I think that might be why I'm uncomfortable around water. Or perhaps why I feel like I'm drowning when I feel inadequate or scared.
When you are under water too long, survival instinct kicks in and you start to kick your legs and flail your arms so that you can push up to the surface and allow the air to rush back into your lungs. My survival instinct seems to be tired and depressed. It isn't kicking in. I feel like I'm kicking (but oddly, not like I'm flailing my arms) but the surface just won't come.
I just got a mental image of myself drowning- in the ocean- and the fish were all looking around at me as if to say "What the hell are you doing here?" That's what being in school right now feels like.
I keep being really cynical. I can't tell if it's because of this summer or if it's just because I'm so sad. Cynicism has become the only thing my brain seems to be willing to put out.
I want this to end. I want to feel something akin to happiness. I'm tired of hurting.
8.01.2007
When your blue eyes close....
I really enjoy missing him sometimes.
It's an odd sort of feeling- missing someone you'll see tomorrow. But I enjoy it.
I find that these are the times when I remember so many little things that make me love him.
I couldn't list them all if I tried for a hundred years, and who would do that? Why would I waste a hundred years thinking about and describing a person when I could be enjoying them?
There is so much that I enjoy about him- a thousand facets of his personality and character, the way that he prays, the way that his smile springs from nowhere when he laughs and, like lightning, shoots from his eyes to his mouth through his entire being- and a hundred thousand other things that I hope no one ever notices but me.
This is just to say: I love him.
And there's a depth of meaning in that that I may never be able to express quite fully.
It's an odd sort of feeling- missing someone you'll see tomorrow. But I enjoy it.
I find that these are the times when I remember so many little things that make me love him.
I couldn't list them all if I tried for a hundred years, and who would do that? Why would I waste a hundred years thinking about and describing a person when I could be enjoying them?
There is so much that I enjoy about him- a thousand facets of his personality and character, the way that he prays, the way that his smile springs from nowhere when he laughs and, like lightning, shoots from his eyes to his mouth through his entire being- and a hundred thousand other things that I hope no one ever notices but me.
This is just to say: I love him.
And there's a depth of meaning in that that I may never be able to express quite fully.
7.26.2007
I sit here in my room
typing on my unexpected-new-roommate's computer
wondering why it is that my head is aching so persistently
and feeling like a failure
because I've been sent home from work two days in a row
and I haven't protested.
I don't know how to fix this ache in my head
or this loneliness in my summer
for some reason, I feel like I can't reach out for it,
but like I need someone to come alongside me
and be there to tell me that I am not alone
that they won't let me be alone
because they love me-
not family, not N., but someone who is outside my usual immediate sphere-
a friend who is just a friend.
who has no other motive or reason than that they care for me.
H. just messaged me.
could she be the friend who is throwing me the life-preserver today?
I hope so...
i need rest.
not sleep- rest.
and a good solid dose of joy.
typing on my unexpected-new-roommate's computer
wondering why it is that my head is aching so persistently
and feeling like a failure
because I've been sent home from work two days in a row
and I haven't protested.
I don't know how to fix this ache in my head
or this loneliness in my summer
for some reason, I feel like I can't reach out for it,
but like I need someone to come alongside me
and be there to tell me that I am not alone
that they won't let me be alone
because they love me-
not family, not N., but someone who is outside my usual immediate sphere-
a friend who is just a friend.
who has no other motive or reason than that they care for me.
H. just messaged me.
could she be the friend who is throwing me the life-preserver today?
I hope so...
i need rest.
not sleep- rest.
and a good solid dose of joy.
7.15.2007
6.12.2007
I've begun praying again. I'm still scared, but that is no longer going to keep me away.
I'm praying for doors to be slammed in my face- so there will be only one way to go.
I'm praying to be made content with where I have been placed.
I'm praying for an end to or a comfort in lonliness.
I'm praying for wisdom.
I'm praying for accountability.
I'm praying for brokenness.
I'm praying for conviction.
I'm praying for forgiveness.
I'm praying for the strength to love.
I'm praying for patience.
I'm praying for exactly five miracles.
I'm praying for the desire to pray for others.
And as I was reminded by a very dear friend, I'm praying to my very best friend.
I'm praying for doors to be slammed in my face- so there will be only one way to go.
I'm praying to be made content with where I have been placed.
I'm praying for an end to or a comfort in lonliness.
I'm praying for wisdom.
I'm praying for accountability.
I'm praying for brokenness.
I'm praying for conviction.
I'm praying for forgiveness.
I'm praying for the strength to love.
I'm praying for patience.
I'm praying for exactly five miracles.
I'm praying for the desire to pray for others.
And as I was reminded by a very dear friend, I'm praying to my very best friend.
5.19.2007
No shadow of turning... and mercies each morning.
This has been a very unexpected summer.
I didn't expect to be working at Covenant.
I didn't expect to ever work for BEST again, even just during May Term.
I didn't expect to want to continue working for them over the whole summer.
I didn't expect to ever be willing to work in the kitchen.
I didn't expect to be content to live with people I barely know.
I didn't expect to see Noah this much over the summer.
I didn't expect to see my family this little.
I didn't expect that Seth would email me, so that I would be sure to read his blog over the summer- I didn't know he thought that much of our friendship.
Neither did I expect that Trey would do the same, or Caroline or BJ, or that Trevor would seek me out to hang out with me while he's here for May term.
I didn't expect that Kaylor would call me today.
I didn't expect that this summer would be so challenging.
I didn't expect that it would be this hard this early.
I didn't expect that this would be hard for me- for some stupid reason, I thought I was exempt.
I didn't expect that Pam and Pauline and Erika would like me.
I didn't expect to enjoy this so much.
I didn't expect to find out that Tippy had been wanting to get to know me better for a while.
I didn't expect to find such a vast array of potential deep frienships as I have this summer.
I didn't expect that Mom would do so much to help me get a kitchen set up.
I didn't expect that two-hour car ride to be so good.
I like the unexpected.
I need strength and accountability. And milk. But most of all, I need to continue spending a LOT of time in the word and in prayer. It's taken some pretty drastic things to drive me back there, but now that I'm there, I just want to go "farther up and further in." I'm so glad that Noah draws me in that direction. Daily there is confirmation and assurance that he is the one that has been chosen for me. There are times that I doubt that- but they are few, far between and short lived. Just like my doubts about God. I can't doubt for long, because "I've seen it." I know that this is it. And I know that I need to trust that. And trusting that is the greatest freedom I know.
El HaNe'eman~ my God is faithful.
I didn't expect to be working at Covenant.
I didn't expect to ever work for BEST again, even just during May Term.
I didn't expect to want to continue working for them over the whole summer.
I didn't expect to ever be willing to work in the kitchen.
I didn't expect to be content to live with people I barely know.
I didn't expect to see Noah this much over the summer.
I didn't expect to see my family this little.
I didn't expect that Seth would email me, so that I would be sure to read his blog over the summer- I didn't know he thought that much of our friendship.
Neither did I expect that Trey would do the same, or Caroline or BJ, or that Trevor would seek me out to hang out with me while he's here for May term.
I didn't expect that Kaylor would call me today.
I didn't expect that this summer would be so challenging.
I didn't expect that it would be this hard this early.
I didn't expect that this would be hard for me- for some stupid reason, I thought I was exempt.
I didn't expect that Pam and Pauline and Erika would like me.
I didn't expect to enjoy this so much.
I didn't expect to find out that Tippy had been wanting to get to know me better for a while.
I didn't expect to find such a vast array of potential deep frienships as I have this summer.
I didn't expect that Mom would do so much to help me get a kitchen set up.
I didn't expect that two-hour car ride to be so good.
I like the unexpected.
I need strength and accountability. And milk. But most of all, I need to continue spending a LOT of time in the word and in prayer. It's taken some pretty drastic things to drive me back there, but now that I'm there, I just want to go "farther up and further in." I'm so glad that Noah draws me in that direction. Daily there is confirmation and assurance that he is the one that has been chosen for me. There are times that I doubt that- but they are few, far between and short lived. Just like my doubts about God. I can't doubt for long, because "I've seen it." I know that this is it. And I know that I need to trust that. And trusting that is the greatest freedom I know.
El HaNe'eman~ my God is faithful.
5.01.2007
I'm beginning to think that Paul wrote 1 Corinthians specifically to me...
I am physically, mentally, and emotionally drained. And I feel somewhat... overwhelmed right now.
Not emotionally, though. Emotionally I just feel... whelmed.
My mind is stuffed full like a pack-rat's carry-on. It is practically bursting at the seams with information that seems to matter very little right now.
I still have two more difficult exams tomorrow. I don't know where that studying is going to fit in. I don't have time, and I feel like I've completely exhausted my resources already. I just feel... full. Very, very full.
My arm is still sore from writing out the last exam. And tomorrow, it's probably going to be so sore it just falls off.
Why does anyone think they can have a cumulative exam that tests on miniscule details that were mentioned once or not at all mentioned in class? Why this sadistic little approach? Do they get pleasure from seeing us sweat and panic while taking their tests?
On a different note completely, last night was... I don't even have a word for that. It was beneficial in the long run, but definitely not fun or enjoyable. It was painful, and involved a lot of tears and hurt and fear, but now.... I just feel so trusted. And so reassured. And so loved. But also, somewhat unprotected, wronged, wounded, heartbroken, sad and upset. And I'm also curious. Part of me wants to ask more questions and to find out just how extensive this is, to know just how far it went and just how often and how long. Part of me wants to know. The other part of me is praying that I never have to think about it again. No, that's not it. The other part of me is realizing that "love keeps no record of wrongs" can sometimes mean that love doesn't require full knowledge of wrongs committed. That I don't need to know all of what happened in order to forgive and to pray for healing. That I don't need to know just how deeply I've been cut in order to ask God for help. That I don't need to expose that part of NDB, but rather that I need to protect that this is not something lots of people know, but that rather it is dealt with on the level of the wrong that was committed. That those involved know, and that forgiveness has been sought and that Christ has paid the punishment for this already. That it doesn't need to be rehashed.
I don't know how to process the grace that has been given to me.
My mind will not accept these things:
that I have been forgiven
that He has made me able to forgive
that I've been trusted
that there is healing
that all I want is to be with NDB, not to run away or have space, but that the forgiveness goes all the way through
that I was able to tell NDB what I did last night
that I am loved even though all my junk is out in the open and known
that I'm wanted and cared for and protected.
My mind will not allow me to think of these things as fitting under any category other than "impossible."
God is faithful. The one who has called me is faithful. He will do it.
"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." ~1 Corinthians 10:13
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." ~1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Not emotionally, though. Emotionally I just feel... whelmed.
My mind is stuffed full like a pack-rat's carry-on. It is practically bursting at the seams with information that seems to matter very little right now.
I still have two more difficult exams tomorrow. I don't know where that studying is going to fit in. I don't have time, and I feel like I've completely exhausted my resources already. I just feel... full. Very, very full.
My arm is still sore from writing out the last exam. And tomorrow, it's probably going to be so sore it just falls off.
Why does anyone think they can have a cumulative exam that tests on miniscule details that were mentioned once or not at all mentioned in class? Why this sadistic little approach? Do they get pleasure from seeing us sweat and panic while taking their tests?
On a different note completely, last night was... I don't even have a word for that. It was beneficial in the long run, but definitely not fun or enjoyable. It was painful, and involved a lot of tears and hurt and fear, but now.... I just feel so trusted. And so reassured. And so loved. But also, somewhat unprotected, wronged, wounded, heartbroken, sad and upset. And I'm also curious. Part of me wants to ask more questions and to find out just how extensive this is, to know just how far it went and just how often and how long. Part of me wants to know. The other part of me is praying that I never have to think about it again. No, that's not it. The other part of me is realizing that "love keeps no record of wrongs" can sometimes mean that love doesn't require full knowledge of wrongs committed. That I don't need to know all of what happened in order to forgive and to pray for healing. That I don't need to know just how deeply I've been cut in order to ask God for help. That I don't need to expose that part of NDB, but rather that I need to protect that this is not something lots of people know, but that rather it is dealt with on the level of the wrong that was committed. That those involved know, and that forgiveness has been sought and that Christ has paid the punishment for this already. That it doesn't need to be rehashed.
I don't know how to process the grace that has been given to me.
My mind will not accept these things:
that I have been forgiven
that He has made me able to forgive
that I've been trusted
that there is healing
that all I want is to be with NDB, not to run away or have space, but that the forgiveness goes all the way through
that I was able to tell NDB what I did last night
that I am loved even though all my junk is out in the open and known
that I'm wanted and cared for and protected.
My mind will not allow me to think of these things as fitting under any category other than "impossible."
God is faithful. The one who has called me is faithful. He will do it.
"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." ~1 Corinthians 10:13
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." ~1 Corinthians 13:4-7
4.29.2007
"For I know that my Redeemer lives, and at the last he will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been thus destroyed, yet in my flesh I shall see God, whom I shall see for myself, and my eyes shall behold, and not another." -Job 19:25-27
I was reminded of this verse in the sermon this morning. There is something about its promise that "in my flesh I shall see God, whom I shall see for myself, and my eyes shall behold, and not another" that never fails to be a comfort and a reassurance to me. And though they aren't directly connected, it was still comforting to me this afternoon talking to NDB about our worries about next year. Though what we were speaking of meant that we would be prevented from getting married next summer because of a few hundred dollars a month, which is simultaneously a lot and not very much, this verse kept coming into my mind and reassuring me of the promises I have been given.
My father owns the cattle on a thousand hills.
He doesn't give his sons a snake when they ask for bread.
"Once I was young and now am I old, but I have never seen the righteous hungry, nor their children begging bread."
"Give us this day our daily bread"
"he that is able to do much more than we could ask or think will thereby freely give us all things"
Even in the midst of our conversation- in the midst of the worry and doubt that was found there - I had no doubts that I think this plan is what God wants us to follow. I have no qualms about this at all. No matter what it requires of me- unless and until God leads me otherwise, I am willing to put all that I have towards this. I'm all in.
After I left him, I started looking at some numbers of my own, and I found something that might make this a possibility. I haven't any details yet, but I'm sure going to look into them....
I was reminded of this verse in the sermon this morning. There is something about its promise that "in my flesh I shall see God, whom I shall see for myself, and my eyes shall behold, and not another" that never fails to be a comfort and a reassurance to me. And though they aren't directly connected, it was still comforting to me this afternoon talking to NDB about our worries about next year. Though what we were speaking of meant that we would be prevented from getting married next summer because of a few hundred dollars a month, which is simultaneously a lot and not very much, this verse kept coming into my mind and reassuring me of the promises I have been given.
My father owns the cattle on a thousand hills.
He doesn't give his sons a snake when they ask for bread.
"Once I was young and now am I old, but I have never seen the righteous hungry, nor their children begging bread."
"Give us this day our daily bread"
"he that is able to do much more than we could ask or think will thereby freely give us all things"
Even in the midst of our conversation- in the midst of the worry and doubt that was found there - I had no doubts that I think this plan is what God wants us to follow. I have no qualms about this at all. No matter what it requires of me- unless and until God leads me otherwise, I am willing to put all that I have towards this. I'm all in.
After I left him, I started looking at some numbers of my own, and I found something that might make this a possibility. I haven't any details yet, but I'm sure going to look into them....
4.16.2007
I am weary this evening. Weary of this struggle with her, weary of this annoying pain in my hip, weary of people who don't understand each other. All around me I see weary, downtrodden people who are dearer to me than my energy. If I could give some of my energy or my joy or my peace to them, depleting my already low store and replenishing theirs, I would do it. But, that is not the way that we are allowed to bear each others' burdens. And this inability to bear with my brethren in this way weighs on me, though I know full well that it is impossible.
I want to help someone. I want to feel like I have something I can give that makes someone's load a little lighter. Something meaningful. I'm tired of running office errands and scanning photographs and sending mail and being a human filing cabinet. I want to do something that matters.
I want to rest. I want rest that keeps me feeling rested past chapel. I want to not wake up feeling sore and like I could have slept for a lot longer. I want to stop waking up before or after my alarm, and start waking up when it goes off.
I want to start working on Thorn for next year. A stack of thirteen beautiful volumes of a college's heart-thoughts bound up in paper and ink and staples and glue. I want to begin the process of making my own. I know that this will start out with a lot of learning, and I am anxious to do so. I want to find out all of the details about publishing and editing and layout while I am still fresh and full of zeal for it. I want to find a copy of each Thorn published to date and make copies or scans of them so that I can have my own library of thoughts from Covenant College.
I want to help someone. I want to feel like I have something I can give that makes someone's load a little lighter. Something meaningful. I'm tired of running office errands and scanning photographs and sending mail and being a human filing cabinet. I want to do something that matters.
I want to rest. I want rest that keeps me feeling rested past chapel. I want to not wake up feeling sore and like I could have slept for a lot longer. I want to stop waking up before or after my alarm, and start waking up when it goes off.
I want to start working on Thorn for next year. A stack of thirteen beautiful volumes of a college's heart-thoughts bound up in paper and ink and staples and glue. I want to begin the process of making my own. I know that this will start out with a lot of learning, and I am anxious to do so. I want to find out all of the details about publishing and editing and layout while I am still fresh and full of zeal for it. I want to find a copy of each Thorn published to date and make copies or scans of them so that I can have my own library of thoughts from Covenant College.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)